Download PDFPersons with an avoidant attachment style must pay particular attention to the following points when dealing with a potential dating partner: 

Criteria

Your can inform you calmly and without much protest if he or she feels the relationship as being too distant.

Rationale

As an avoidant person, you are very sensitive to protest. This protest arises when you are criticized for being too distant and not being affirmative about closeness. Here, you are vulnerable and you won't forget verbal derailments as quickly as the anxious or secure type of attachment. You are more resentful in this sense. A (dating) partner who also remains decent when protesting and does not "freak out" would be important for you. Pay attention to the language and non-verbal signs of your (dating) partner to find out how hurtful the (dating) partner could potentially become in case of protest against you being too distant or inaccessible (). 

Criteria

In the event of discrepancies and problems, your (dating) partner does not immediately seek assurance and proximity with you. Instead, he/she can live well with the unresolved problem for a while, including a certain distance to you for the time being.

Rationale

Being an avoidant, you keep some distance in case of insecurity and problems, because in these situations proximity tends to become rather a stressful than a safe place for you. You would rather wait until the "rocky moment" is over and then eventually continue without talking about it if not absolutely necessary. You should have someone as a partner who can do fine with this avoidance strategy.

 Criteria

Your (dating) partner attaches great importance to freedom and independence in the relationship.

Rationale

For you, a relationship is surely very important, but you value your autonomy and independence at least as much as being in relationship, if not more. You should therefore have a partner who is ticking similarly here. A (dating) partner who has a time-consuming hobby or is very busy professionally is definitely an option for you. 

 Criteria

You need a (dating) partner who can speak about the relationship if there are problems, but who doesn't want to talk about issues for hours. You rather avoid the verbal, direct expression of love and attachment. Therefore, you also need a (dating) partner for whom the indirect language of love, such as gifts or indirect signs of affection, is sufficient.

Rationale

Since you tend to avoid addressing issues related to relationships, it is important that your (dating) partner does this in your place. You should simply pay attention to whether the (dating) partner makes it short and direct or long-threaded and psychological. The latter would not be suitable for you. You need a (dating) partner who acknowledges the indirect language of love, i. e. above all gifts, gestures, indirect or hidden signs of affection, etc. as being fully adequate, because you are also indirect.

Avoidant Meets Anxious

This match is the most difficult one. The anxious person often needs secure responses, while the avoidant tends to shy away from hedging and giving assurances of closeness. As an avoidant you should... avoid the anxious attachment types : -) !! You could easily be overwhelmed by this style of attachment. Take a look at the page about the "anxious attachment style" and learn early on to find out when a potential partner is of the anxious style.

By the way, as an avoidant person you might involuntarily activate the attachment system of the anxious. The anxious ones feel stimulated by your avoidant behaviour and confuse this stimulation with being in love with you. It's not being in love! It's only their attachment system that feels insecure, while at the same time being interested in you as a potential partner. That's why you should be on your guard here! If someone talks about being in love with you very quickly and at the same time reacts anxiously and insecurely to distance, independence and autonomy, it could be a person with a anxious attachment system.

This encounter happens quite often. That is because both "anxious" and "avoidant" individuals are on average more often single in their lives because their relationship lasts less long when viewed statistically. They are more often found in the dating pool. The following considerations should also be taken into account: "Avoidants" seldom bind themselves to other avoidant partners, because neither of the two is willing to establish sufficient proximity in the first place. "Secures" are, although statistically in the majority () less frequently on the "market" and have tendency to look for a similarly secure partner. 

Avoidant Meets Avoidant

Basically this sounds like a good match, because both partners have a high need for freedom and only occasionally want to be intensively close to each other. However, it is rather improbable that two avoidants find each other at all. Persons of an avoidant style are dependent on someone actively creating proximity and assuming responsibility for it at least at times. Two avoidants will therefore find themselves rather rarely. There is too little closeness at the beginning for a longer-term relationship to develop.

But if it happens, then that's a good thing for both of them. In the best case scenario, it can mean that both of them become increasingly confident and more active over time when it comes to more commitment in order to stabilize each others attachment system. In the more unfavourable case, both remain too much in retreat, especially in conflicts, and no one is able to show their vulnerability. Then the relationship usually breaks down. It is very important for the success of such a match whether at least one of the two partners is strong in communicating feelings. If no one surpasses himself in this aspect, then such a relationship is doomed to failure as soon as the first major relationship problem arises. And this will happen sooner or later...

Avoidant Meets Secure

The avoiders benefit greatly from a "secure" attachment person. From the viewpoint of the avoider, a secure attachment person would be the ideal choice. A secure attachment person can respond constructively to your deactivation tendencies. A secure attachment person understands your need for independence as the insecurity you feel getting or staying close. Usually, a secure attachment person will not (immediately) become abusive with a protest behavior, which often causes lasting injury to you. This gives you the chance to allow more and more proximity and to see a secure basis in your partner, which may limit your freedom and autonomy a little bit, but not fundamentally.

In return, you have someone with whom you can exchange trustfully, who would like to understand you and who wants to be there for you. You will be more motivated to present an equally secure basis for your partner. A secure attachment partner will be able to show you that proximity is something positive. You will be able to experience that emotional dependence actually increases your freedom and your own strength "in the outside world": The so-called "dependency paradox" ().