Persons with an anxious style of attachment must pay particular attention to the following points when dealing with a potential dating partner:
Criteria
You need a (dating) partner that not only allows closeness because it is going well in the relationship, but he or she is also allowing closeness, when it is not going well. For example when there is a problem.
Rationale
Proximity becomes an important place of calming down especially if you have an anxious attachment style. If a (dating) partner feels secure in the relationship only by keeping you at an arm's length, it will inevitably lead to major conflicts. Especially if things are not going so well in the relationship, then you have the tendency to maintain proximity to your partner so that issues can be readily talked through. A partner that only allows or seeks the connection when there are no problems is unsuitable for you.
Criteria
Your dating partner should be able to offer affective gestures on his own initiative, and not only being on the receiving end.
Rationale
You usually need explicit proximity and intimacy. Not necessarily in the sexual meaning (perhaps also), but above all by affective gestures. This includes holding hands, hugging, touching shoulders, kissing, etc. Is he/she rather generous or reserved? It should be rather generous and uncomplicated.
Criteria
Your dating partner should not give any so-called "mixed signals".
Rationale
By mixed signals one understands above all that he or she can give you the feeling that he/she is really interested in you. The next time, however, the (dating) partner appears more distant and dismissive, just to show interest again next time and so on. Therefore, make sure that the "relationship intentions" are consistent over the (dating) period. As an anxious attachment person, you are very sensitive to small signs of rejection and unavailability.
Tip: If you feel insecure, express your insecurity and make sure that you get a "secure response" that will take your attachment system out of the alarm.
Criteria
You need a (dating) partner who can say on his own initiative what he or she feels, how much he or she feels for you, when he or she has had enough and when he or she cannot have enough of you. Your (dating-) partner should also be willing to help you communicate your relationship needs more effectively.
Rationale
As a anxious attachment person, you must always know for sure where you are in the relationship with your (dating) partner. Does your (dating) partner fail to make clear statements about the feelings for you, does your (dating) partner wait a long time until he/she shows you what is going on emotionally? For you, as a anxious attachment partner, this would be a big challenge and could quickly lead to conflicts. Likewise, the willingness to help in formulating your relationship needs is also important, because as an anxious attachment person you quite frequently do not say what is emotionally essential at the moment and fall into the trap of protest behaviour where anger covers up much of your real feelings.
Anxious Meets Avoidant
This match is the most difficult one, because the anxious person often needs secure responses, while the avoidant tends to shy away from hedging and giving assurances of closeness. For the "anxious", proximity is compellingly a place of reassurance. For the avoidant, proximity quickly becomes a place of insecurity, especially when things are not going so well in the relationship or when there is a problem.
In the beginning, the avoidant activates the attachment system of the anxious, who feels actually physiologically stimulated by avoidant conduct. This stimulation or arousal is often mistaken by the anxious as having fallen in love. But often it's not that you have fallen in love! It's only your attachment system that feels insecure while at the same time being interested in a potential attachment person.
This encounter happens quite often. That is because both "anxious" and "avoidant" individuals are on average more often single in their lives because their relationship lasts less long when viewed statistically. They are more often found in the dating pool. The following considerations should also be taken into account: "Avoidants" seldom bind themselves to other avoidant partners, because neither of the two is willing to establish sufficient proximity in the first place. "Secures" are, although statistically in the majority (
) less frequently on the "market" and have tendency to look for a similarly secure partner.
Anxious Meets Anxious
Basically, this can be a good match if both partners are concerned about each other's insecurity from the very beginning and react to these insecurities with sensitivity and understanding. In general, this should work quite automatically. It is possible, however, that one of the two anxious partners may need a lot of empathy for his own, but can't give enough back to the other. If both are sufficiently aware of their anxious attachment style, then this problem should be solved. The main danger with such a match is that there is too much closeness and not enough autonomy and independence. Such a couple must learn to cope better with a certain amount of insecure feelings because it is healthier and better for a long-term relationship to encourage each other from time to time to do things and activities alone or with friends, without the partner.
This match is complicated if neither of the two has enough understanding for each other's (identical!) needs of being regularly reassured and secured. Then escalations are inevitable and the relationship will tilt into the negative once the honeymoon phase is over.
Anxious Meets Secure
This would be your ideal attachment partner: A person with a secure attachment style. Unfortunately, it is often the case that persons with an anxious attachment style find "secure" people boring and not exciting enough. They may lose interest in such people too quickly and give up before they can actually fall in love or at least develop a real interest. This has to do with the fact that secure attachment persons do not activate your attachment system. You mistakenly confuse this healthy condition with "lack of interest" in this person. Stay longer with someone who makes you feel a bit bored at first, because there is a good chance that they are the secure carers. Do a lot with him (or her) and give yourself the chance to learn to love such a person. In terms of attachment security you will not regret it!